The start of “trying” (2002)

I was hopeful.  We were young and I’d been hormonally controlled for so many years that perhaps I thought I was “healed”?  Not so!  In an instant abdominal pain returned, my skin grew “hard” and acne came on fierce.  My hair fell out by the handfuls.  How depressing when you have long blonde hair!  I cut it short so it wasn’t so emotional to watch it collect in the drain.  My bowels were irregular (diarrhea one minute, constipation the next).  I craved sweets just like I always did.  I was always tired-never slept all night long..EVER.  I was moody and Jeff and I got into some nice verbal ahhh…yelling?  One night he took his vehicle and slept in it at the shop where he worked.

I remember yelling at him, “Why don’t you just divorce me?”  And him yelling back to me, “I didn’t marry you to have kids with you.”  I will never forget those words because I’m pretty sure I married him to have kids with him.  He married me because he loved me.  Oh, don’t get me wrong, I love him, too.  I just wanted to be a mommy and he was my ticket to that.  His whole goal in life was NOT to be a father like mine was to be a mother.  To this day, I have a hard time wrapping my brain around that train of thought!  But that was a blessing, what he said.

We tried the rest of 2001 from July and clear into March of 2002 before I went to a doc.  I was not having periods and my skin was … YUCK!  I don’t know how I had any hair left on my head, but I did.  In April I saw an OB/GYN who suspected PCOS.  I was somewhat distraught, but it gave me an answer and my symptoms all through my life to this point fit it.

What did he put me on first?  (me thinking here)  I think we did clomid first, but we never had an ultrasound to see if it was even working.  I did that for 4 months?  six months?  And he said sex, sex, sex.  So, not really knowing anything about nature and the signs of fertility, we probably always missed the mark.  Well, obviously we did.  I never got pregnant.  But we also think I never responded to clomid either.  If I didn’t have a period or a positive pregnancy test then I would induce a period with Prometrium.  (whisper voice in disgust…) I wonder if I ever terminated a pregnancy we didn’t know about.

We started clomid with the lowest dose of 50 mg.  By the time we added Glucophage to the regimen, I was taking 150 mg of Clomid.  Glucophage scared me a little, but I still took it, probably for six months as well.  It didn’t work.  I didn’t notice any changes.  Glucophage (or Metformin) works well for those who have blood sugar issues.  At this time, not much was known about PCOS but it was assumed it was a blood sugar/insulin thing and the diabetic drug would work.  As it turns out, I do not have a blood sugar issue.  (Yet, anyway).  I get tested each year, still.  I referred to myself as the “bastard child of PCOS”.

We saw a Reproductive Endocrinologist in Hastings and he was less than comforting.  He told us point blank, this is what you have to do.  We would have to be monitored by ultrasound and given injectibles and go to Denver for Artificial Insemination procedures.  Mind you, this at a time when I had a home daycare and not a lot of freedom to leave for days on end and my husband had a whole whopping 40 hours of vacation and combined sick leave.  This was not feasable!  Let alone the cost which is not covered by insurance.  I don’t remember being any more devastated then than I was before.  I remember being angry that he was so pointed, but it’s his job.

We went home and I thought we should adopt.  Hubby was not so convinced, but he considered it.

I think we did a few more months of Glucophage only without anything happening.


One thought on “The start of “trying” (2002)

  1. Thank you for sharing your story. For us baby producing women, we do not think about what goes or what a couple goes thru when conceiving is so hard for them. I know your story will help couples know they are not alone, and also let those that do not have problems, see into the lives of those that do. You have always been in my prayers! Once again: THANK YOU! I look forward to the next chapter.

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