So 2006 brought me healing in my heart. I prayed for healing back in Nebraska but I never thought this would be the kind of healing I would get. I even said it was better than physical healing. Healing from panic and anxiety was wonderful. It was a hard road and took me some hard mental work, but I’m not someone who is afraid of hard work! And it paid off. Praise be to God-he healed my mind. WOW. I could even be in public with other parents and children and not flip out on the inside. I had a few days where I regressed, but nothing like the four years before.
I enrolled in college to complete my Bachelor Degree. What do you do when you can’t have children? I decided I’d be a career person after all and set my goals high on Human Resources, not home visiting. 🙂
I started meeting other people. Couples who were either childless by choice (they chose not to have children. What? People like that exist?), or couples who wanted children but were content (content? what’s that?) not to pursue adoption or treatments and just live life. Whoa! That was a new concept and so freeing! I re-read Sweet Grapes and embraced it. I bought a horse and after getting bucked off bought a different horse. I took some riding lessons and put a whole lot of time and love into this dear animal. My husband and I worked on our place along the river and made it nicer than it was. He focused on his work and waterfowl hunting and occasionally I would join him.
Every so often our parents would bring up how they “really wanted to be grandparents”, but we didn’t know what to do.
When a few kids I home visited came up for adoption I called a family meeting to discuss the possibilities. Hubby was open to the idea but didn’t think this particular family (four girls!) was the right thing for us. So, instead of wallowing in my grief, I picked up and moved on.
I changed jobs and went into banking and moved up fairly quickly. I finished my degree and then got a job with the County Planning Department (how ironic) and learned land use and zoning regs and met other infertile women.
I got started training my horse (and myself) in Cowboy Mounted Shooting, bought a different saddle and dreamed of two six shooters and holsters. I bought a horse trailer and became mobile with my horse.
My OB/GYN was also childless and we had great talks. She said if I ever wanted to go further she could help me or refer me. I was intrigued with her “spirit” and the peace she obviously felt in her heart while serving a very poverty-stricken, high rate of teenage pregnancy area.
Life was moving on and it was good…